Sober? Sure, but I call it high on life.

The last 24 hours have been an emotional roller coaster. I have decided to end one of my longest relationships, 10 years to be exact, to drugs and alcohol. Boom. 

There comes a point when you evaluate and see that there are certain things holding you back from the man you can become. Now, before you think I am going to be all anti drugs and alcohol, please know that I am and will always be a believer in the legalization of marijuana and have no actual ill thoughts towards any drug or alcohol! But as with anything else in this world there are things that work for some and not for others. It is fun to see people that can go out all night and the next day get done whatever needs to get done... good for them! However, I am not one of those people and I have to be honest with myself and the affect these things have on my overall well being.

When you flake on plans to go workout with your little brother because all you wanted to do was nap your high away. When you don´t follow through on client requests because you were too high. When you do not make it to a friends dinner because you were too high. When you do not remember that kiss, that (was it safe?) sex, that comment. When you have to stay in bed all day to get over the hangover. When Mary Jane seems to not be enough so she invites her friend Tina and sometimes G(eorge) makes an appearance. When Tina and G(eorge) leave, you think how is this come down even possible. When you realize and see that everything you want out of life is right on the other side of this decision, then it just feels right.

¨Ummm José, you already tried it, remember, you were 6 months sober.¨ Right, but back then there was a timeline. I wanted to give it up for a year knowing that it will come back to me. That year was reduced to 6 months due to a couple of things:

1) I was at a job I grew to hate. Right around this time I was ready to take a trip to visit my brother in LA and then...

2) he says ¨you´re not coming to LA and not do anything.¨So I went to LA and drank and smoked and boom, back to the start.

There are three things I learned from this situation. One, if you are not happy... GET. AWAY. This may be a millenial comment, but there are literally a million different types of jobs out there with technology adding even more every day, but you mean to tell me I am going to spend my time being miserable? Nah, fuck that. The second thing I learned is that your actions, your thoughts, YOU are what determines your happiness. If you are letting others influence you away from decisions you have made for yourself, then you have given up. Plain and simple. The last thing I learned is that people change and that is perfectly ok. This is not a stab at my brother, but at myself for being afraid to show him ¨the new me.¨ To not having the strength to be like, ¨nah I don´t drink or do drugs,¨ next topic. 

Why has this been such an emotional roller coaster? Because it has been a crutch for a third of my life. My first drunk night and the first time I was high I was 17, in college and already out of high school. I come back home and I felt like all of sudden the alcohol and drugs made people like me. The white kids that would show up to our AP Calculus class high out of their minds finally had something in common with me. The Latinx kids that would smoke a joint in the back of the bus finally had something in common with me. I was liked, I felt (ugh its annoying as fuck to say this because it has D.A.R.E. program written all over it).... I felt cool. Eventually I could not do xy or z without a blunt first. I did not want to go to an event unless I knew there was alcohol there. So I start thinking if I am even showing the world the real me anymore. Or better yet, do I even know me anymore?

So yes, my ¨relationship¨ with drugs and alcohol has come to an end. I even wrote a nice break up letter to it to make it official.

This post is not meant to make anyone sober, but to make you evaluate your current situation and be truly honest with what may be holding you back from your full potential. Whatever it may be, do not be afraid to part with it. Keep in mind that part of your life will always be a part of your story, but it does not have to make it to the back cover.

AOJ