This morning I outlined the number 45 with the hearts I am selling in support of a local organization in Austin, TX. Twenty minutes later I looked at the photo I posted and realized, wait, I just made the number “45” in hearts. And for a minute I thought someone may think that I’m in support of the current president he-who-must-not-be-named and some of us just call 45...
But there is one thing I keep saying to people and in conversations I keep having is this, if there is one good thing that came from electing this person into presidency (yea, I’m saying there is something good), is that aside from the wave of evil, there is a wave of good coming along. Growing up I was always taught to just do good, from my mother, to my grandparents, you do good. Not because you expect something in return, but because that is just the right thing to do.
And at some point, maybe it was attending a business school or just the society that we’re in, doing good meant “well, how are you going to make money off of this?” And when the conversation comes to money, I shut down. I despise it. I believe it to be an idea made by humans once to create order and is now used to have power over others. It’s stupid. There was almost like a, I can’t do good because if I’m doing good that means I have to expect something in return. That is how my mind started thinking. I needed to stop.
Even as I make my journey across the US and I tell people, “I’m traveling and volunteering at different organizations, also crocheting” I would say 95% of the time I get a ‘oh, you’re writing everything down, right? Oh, you’re gonna write a book, make a movie, be rich, change the world.’ Ahhhh. So I stopped listening to those comments. Because in all reality, I’m doing what I am doing because for me, at this present time, it feels like the right thing to do, that’s it. Am I keeping notes? Yes. Am I keeping a journal? Yes, but that’s something I’ve been trying to do regardless of what I Was doing with my life. Doing good because it is the right thing to do. That’s it.
So when it comes to the money, to show you how much I really don’t care for it, I’ve been selling these little hearts for $1.99. A dollar of each one will go towards the organization I’m currently trying to fundraise for. And then there are shipping costs, material costs, and etsy apparently has a bajillion fees I didn’t know were charged (live and we learn). So after all is said and done, I’m really not making anything off these hearts. BUT what I am reaching is my goal of $100 to donate to the organization. And now you may ask, well if you despise money, why are you trying to raise money?
Because I’m also not stupid. The way society is currently set up, money does equal power. And for me, the money I am able to acquire I want to give to organizations I want to have power in this society -- that means homeless shelters, soup kitchens, food banks, in the arts, doing good, creating a different world, organizations that are here to tell other humans that they do matter, that we all are humans, and that all humans have a right to live and prosper and LIVE.
So with that said, I unintentionally made the number “45” in hearts to show how much more I needed to sell, but now it means that yes, this dude is an asshole, he’s evil, the whole administration is evil. But, good will always overcome evil. It seems like some have forgotten their history lessons.
A blank page, that's all I have in front of me. And as I write these words, marks, sketches, no longer a blank page. I can go back and cross out certain parts but it remains.
I think that's why I liked math. It was always suggested we use pencil when it came to math. It all had an answer. And when there was no answer, that was the answer, it simply did not exist.
But you can't use pencil in real life. Every breath, heartbeat, blink, twitch, all a part of your story called life. And then we ask, what is life? But why ask? It's already happening, spending time waiting for the answer instead of living the answer.
One thing that is promised to all when we receive this gift called life, and that is that this life, our physical time, will come to an end. No one has been able to escape it. Sure, your spirit, your legacy can live on, but your physical being, the only time you're able to take action ends.
And another blank page, another minute, another moment, another..... life keeps going.
Three times. That's how many times I went into the darkest of places in my mind. The first time I forced myself to go for a run. As I approached the bridge, zooming cars under me... was this it? How can I feel this low? But I looked down and thought 'well you don't have to feel low at all every again.' JUMP. Snapped out of it. Apparently running helps with your mood. Keep running. A great run.
Second time. I am so freaking happy. Ahhh. Another bridge. As I see cars zooming past again. Wait, this can be the last feeling you ever feel. Never would you have to feel low again. Yes!
too easy. I laughed. Keep running.
Finally, inside the prison apartment. I can't. Yes. NO. YES! JUMP. Go to that bridge. NO! YES! NOOO! Ahhhhghhgggggh. Tomas looks at me. Keep running. Run away. Run. Move. Keep moving.
I write the words "keep moving" down, a truck passes by, a "moving" truck. Keep moving I shall.
They say you have to face problems. You can't keep running away. But what if the "problems" you keep running away from are not real problems from within. Instead they are things, ideas, of a "reality" that has been put in place by other humans just like all of us.
"I can't have you face the realities of the world, you're going to have to figure that out for yourself" words from a former friend. I am well aware of the realities of this world and I'm here to call bullshit on it all.
A reality of a society only stands when members of it continue feeding into it. But if you continue to complain about how fucked up it is, don't you think it's bullshit?
So instead I wander....
Not lost, wanderer, what does it mean?
Wander, To wander. Not lost. Lost makes you frantic, makes you nervous. I haven't been nervous in a really long time. Goals? Goal? No, nothing. Purpose. Yes.
I wander city to city, decide where I can help. I've given back to homeless shelters and food bank. Soup kitchen. And an organization of spreading kindness. But one of the most memorable was the week I spent with someone on the hospice program. Dying they call it. I saw him living. Doing. Until his very last breath he will be working. And working a way that benefits all of us. Take a step back. How much of your daily routine have you absolutely 100% control over? Probably not a lot. That's when the reality voice kicks in and you realize I can have control. Your reality is not my reality. My happiness is not your happiness. But strive to be happy.
So service. That's where my happiness comes in. Service for organizations that are doing good. Volunteering. Service to people that help provide me with food and shelter. Crocheting. Service to the world. A different life.
Wanderer. Not lost. Wander.