A blank page, that's all I have in front of me. And as I write these words, marks, sketches, no longer a blank page. I can go back and cross out certain parts but it remains.
I think that's why I liked math. It was always suggested we use pencil when it came to math. It all had an answer. And when there was no answer, that was the answer, it simply did not exist.
But you can't use pencil in real life. Every breath, heartbeat, blink, twitch, all a part of your story called life. And then we ask, what is life? But why ask? It's already happening, spending time waiting for the answer instead of living the answer.
One thing that is promised to all when we receive this gift called life, and that is that this life, our physical time, will come to an end. No one has been able to escape it. Sure, your spirit, your legacy can live on, but your physical being, the only time you're able to take action ends.
And another blank page, another minute, another moment, another..... life keeps going.
Three times. That's how many times I went into the darkest of places in my mind. The first time I forced myself to go for a run. As I approached the bridge, zooming cars under me... was this it? How can I feel this low? But I looked down and thought 'well you don't have to feel low at all every again.' JUMP. Snapped out of it. Apparently running helps with your mood. Keep running. A great run.
Second time. I am so freaking happy. Ahhh. Another bridge. As I see cars zooming past again. Wait, this can be the last feeling you ever feel. Never would you have to feel low again. Yes!
too easy. I laughed. Keep running.
Finally, inside the prison apartment. I can't. Yes. NO. YES! JUMP. Go to that bridge. NO! YES! NOOO! Ahhhhghhgggggh. Tomas looks at me. Keep running. Run away. Run. Move. Keep moving.
I write the words "keep moving" down, a truck passes by, a "moving" truck. Keep moving I shall.
They say you have to face problems. You can't keep running away. But what if the "problems" you keep running away from are not real problems from within. Instead they are things, ideas, of a "reality" that has been put in place by other humans just like all of us.
"I can't have you face the realities of the world, you're going to have to figure that out for yourself" words from a former friend. I am well aware of the realities of this world and I'm here to call bullshit on it all.
A reality of a society only stands when members of it continue feeding into it. But if you continue to complain about how fucked up it is, don't you think it's bullshit?
So instead I wander....
Not lost, wanderer, what does it mean?
Wander, To wander. Not lost. Lost makes you frantic, makes you nervous. I haven't been nervous in a really long time. Goals? Goal? No, nothing. Purpose. Yes.
I wander city to city, decide where I can help. I've given back to homeless shelters and food bank. Soup kitchen. And an organization of spreading kindness. But one of the most memorable was the week I spent with someone on the hospice program. Dying they call it. I saw him living. Doing. Until his very last breath he will be working. And working a way that benefits all of us. Take a step back. How much of your daily routine have you absolutely 100% control over? Probably not a lot. That's when the reality voice kicks in and you realize I can have control. Your reality is not my reality. My happiness is not your happiness. But strive to be happy.
So service. That's where my happiness comes in. Service for organizations that are doing good. Volunteering. Service to people that help provide me with food and shelter. Crocheting. Service to the world. A different life.
Wanderer. Not lost. Wander.